But I digress.

The first time I picked up The Bell Jar was the day after the final
break-up. And reading about a suicidal young girl written by a writer
who commuted suicide made me feel heroically tragic.

I remember that I was still working at the relocation company in an
industrial park off Tampines. And I remember bringing my book to the
coffee shops and drinking a kopi-O, smoking some Ice Blasts as I read.
I know, I know, smoking is bad, and I have stopped for almost two
years now.

I remember that it was on my desk when I decided to quit my job there
and got the one at ION Orchard. So my last week there, I read and I
smoked. I guess it is reasonable behaviour for a first break-up.

I identified myself with Esther Greenwood and although I never thought
to end my life, I wanted to self-destruct. And smoking was one of the
ways I did so.

Of course, when I moved on to the more challenging job at Orchard, I
stopped smoking. I met some new people then, and the ex slowly faded
from my memories.

Two years have now passed, and I am here. I am happy. And I am not
going anywhere.

And I wouldn't date anyone who doesn't understand my erratic nature.

So there.

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• Staying up till 4am and still waking up on time the next day for work.
• Pulling an all-nighter, whatever the purpose may be.
• Pining after some emotionally unavailable boy.
• Having online flame wars over who said what. (unless it is about Apple products, Doctor Who or any other film/TV/book franchise that I am into.)
• Talking behind a friend’s back to get people to like me. (oh wait, I have never done that since I was 17.)
• Wearing my hair in pigtails.
• Eating a lollipop larger than my palm.
• Getting sloshed.
• Spending money like it wasn’t earned.
• Reading stupid books like Twilight.
• Listening to Top 20 hits. (music nowadays is shit. Nicki Minaj, and Justin Bieber? Give me a break. The only exception is perhaps Adele.)
• Staying over at a chalet. Bitch, please, give me a staycation in a hotel anytime.
• Going to McDonald’s to hang out.

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I say wallpaper(s) because I have 4 desktops on my MacBook.

Here we go.

My current obsessions, Mister Benedict Cumberbatch, who is Sherlock in BBC's Sherlock and Peter Guillam in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

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Almost two years have passed, and I am not who I was in early 2010. I am much more certain of who I am as a person and what my goals are. I am also sure of what I want and need out of relationship, be it a friendship or otherwise. I have drawn my boundaries. I have set my values and principles. I am more aware of my shortcomings and how I can overcome them. I am more confident with who I am and no longer the girl who was so uncomfortable in her own skin. Nowadays I am more of the “fuck it if anyone is looking at me because I am weird.” than how I was in the past where I am always thinking about how everyone must be thinking ill of me because I am so different.
I am increasingly proud of the person I have become. And I am very vocal about the things I am for or against. That might make me intolerable in some people’s books, but I do know when to dial it down and try not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
It is much better to stand for something that leaves you hated than to go where the wind blows and be sneered at by people like me for your indecision and lack of principles. Yeah, you, who went back to the cult even after we were kicked out? I am talking about you.
I have learnt that blood doesn’t make you family. And that real friends show you your shortcomings and not walk away.
(Oh and not forgetting that people who claim that they are speaking on behalf of god or whichever divine being doesn’t necessarily mean that they are good people. )
I have also learnt that people treat you how you teach them to treat you. If you accept your friend’s excuse for being late for 45 minutes, they wouldn’t think anything of it if it happens again. That is why I make it a point to tell people that I will leave after 15 minutes unless they have a really good excuse involving blood or death or maybe a Snorlax blocking his way and him having to go back home to get a Pokeflute.
I have learnt that if you allow others to walk all over you, they will. I have learnt that if you allow others to cancel plans with you at the last minute, they will do it again. That is why I get really angry at people who whine about how their so-called friends walk all over them when they themselves don’t even speak up when they are upset with being treated shabbily.
If you don’t respect yourself and your own time, no one else will.

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Tired of her capacity for cynicism, tired of seeing only faults in herself and others, she wished to be overwhelmed by her feelings for a fellow human being. She wanted a situation where there would be no choice, no time to sigh and ask, ‘But are he and I really that suited anyway?’, where analysis and interpretation would be superfluous, where the other would simply be an unquestionable and wholly natural presence.

 

from The Romantic Movement - Alain de Botton

Can't deny but say that this is exactly how I feel about love right now. I have been cynical for a long time now, after the breakup two years ago. It’s hard to trust or feel like you did the first time. And I don’t think you ever will. The first time you fall in love is like a young child learn to walk and run and skip. You are fearless because there is no reason to fear. You have never hurt yourself before. You don’t know how painful a fall can be.

But I guess like the reckless abandon of a young child, loving without limits and losing the sight of reality isn’t the way to meet the partner for the rest of your life.

Sometimes we fall in love thinking that it is forever and that this is it. But it doesn’t always work out that way. I guess I fell into that trap during that six months. Everything moved really fast, there wasn’t even a period of uncertain dating. Perhaps too much of a sure thing makes people complacent and start taking things for granted.
Heartbreak teaches us to see truth for what is. It teaches us what incompatibility is. It also reminds us to enjoy the relationships that we have for what it is and not what we hope it would be. I learnt much from that relationship. What I needed, wanted. What I could and couldn’t  put up with. And what my shortcomings and strengths will. Rather than seeing it as a failure on my part, I see it as a lesson.

Having said all of that, I am looking forward to falling in love again. This time with eyes open. To feel the overwhelming butterflies that flutter in one’s stomach. Because love is amazing. Falling in love is the the best drug, it keeps you soaring high above the clouds and forget about the plummet that might come. To feel so completely loved and accepted, and wanted.
I guess you have two choices, you can either nurse your broken heart forever and build a fortress around it with a moat and a drawbridge, shutting the gates forever, thus avoiding hurt. Or you can allow those you deem to be worthy to win it, at the risk of being hurt again.
I choose the latter, and I hope that you would too, eventually.

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When people give, most of the time they talk about how much they feel for the needy and less fortunate. They talk about compassion and love. Those are good things.

As for me, I give for a more selfish reason. I give because it makes me feel good. I don’t need anyone to know that I gave for a cause. I don’t need any sort of validation. I give not because the needy needs it, I give because the act of giving gives me joy.

And quite honestly I think that is the only way to give. Not the act of being a martyr or the delusional hope that some divine being will reward you. Giving should be because you want to and not because you feel compelled to give and feel guilt-tripped. That’s the reason why I hate those charity events where they wheel out old/sick people on beds in order to gain sympathy.

Giving is good. But please give for the right reasons. Guilt is not one of them.

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Always remember that you are the only one who can fulfil the promise of being there for you, always. People can make promises and mean them. But sometimes they change their minds. Sometimes they forget their promises. Sometimes death takes them away. Sometimes they move away. Sometimes they meet someone else they like more than you. Sometimes things happen and that's how it is.
So please remember to love yourself a little more. I don't mean not to love anyone else. But don't lose yourself while in love, as tempting as it is. Don't give in all the time till your standards and values disappear. Don't change for the sake of someone else. Sometimes no matter how much you change, they wouldn't care regardless. Someday you'll meet someone who thinks you are perfect as you are, no matter how neurotic, how fucked up.

Life is an adventure. Always remember that.

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Whenever you read about children who divorced themselves from their parents. Or estranged parents. Automatically for most people, they would place the blame on the children. Words like ungrateful and spoilt comes to mind. And maybe that is true for many of the cases. But there are parents in this world that do not know how to be a parent.

I have talked about my story many many times here, and I don’t want to go into details because you’ve heard it all before. And I don’t want to upset myself with remembering things I would rather not remember. Let’s just say that I was damaged mentally and psychologically the four years before I moved out.

What we need to get into our heads is that not all parents do what is best for their children. Not all parents know what to do when they feel like they are losing control. Not all parents make the right decisions. And sometimes parents fuck up.

So let’s stop making statements like, “she deserved it because she was sos rebellious” and stupider ones like “I believe in being harsh to my children because that’s how the world is”. To the one Twitter follower who said that, I would like to say, on behalf of all the abused children in the world that you should just fuck off and die.

A home should be a place where you feel safe and protected. It should be the place where you run to when you are disappointed or disillusioned by the the world. Your parents should be the one you can trust to tell your thoughts and not be judged. It should be the place where you fall asleep when your head hits the pillow. A home should be a place that allows conflicts to be resolved.

Well, mine was none of those things.

So yeah, fuck off, will you?

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当周边的人都出双入对的时候，单身的人再坚强，也难免面对片刻的寂寞。在我们繁华的都市里，人与人在网上倾诉的多，真正的倾心却越来越少。面子书满满的问候，却不比一通电话，以真实的声音来问候彼此。
身为一个单身独居的女生，在情人节的到来，往往都经不起一个人的度过。
其实，身边不是没有人。只是没有一个是有感觉的。
爱情不是努力就会有结果，不是坚持就会长久。
没有勉强的幸福。

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As I am sitting in the dark writing this in my room, I am already missing this space. The quiet, the space that is truly mine at almost seven hundred dollars a month. I am moving to the spare room at my grandmother's in a couple of months. And I am really going to miss this place. The memories here, especially.
But I guess this phase of my life had to end sometime. I couldn't probably live in this flat forever. I am going to miss the food in the food centre a couple blocks away. I am going to miss having an NTUC at my doorstep. I am going to miss being a block away from the MRT. I am going to miss having the Woodlands Regional Library one MRT stop away. I am going to miss having all the fast food chains at Causeway Point.

I am however, also looking forward to home-cooked meals by my grandmother. I am looking forward to seeing my relatives a bit more. I am looking forward to living nearer to the city.

I guess in the past change was hard because I was resistant to it. What the past couple of years have taught me is that life is a great adventure if you allow it to be. You'll go places, meet people, encounter things. It is a great big adventure that starts when you begin to make your own decisions. Like the young men in the older days going into the world to seek their fortunes, here I am.

I always remind myself never to take it for granted what I have. This chance to be what I am and live according to my own terms.

I hope that if you're reading this, you'll also have the chance someday.

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I always put people on impossible pedestals. And obviously they can never live up to those fantasies. Sooner or later I will discover a fatal flaw and that whole image collapses. It is no one’s fault but my own. I guess growing up with novels make me expect too much from the people around me reality. I don’t think anyone can live up to those impossibly high standards, not even me.

Nobody is perfect, and that’s okay, unless that flaw is fatal to you and your relationship with that person.

For me, I have different requirements for the different people in my life. Be it a partner or a friend. Or even a family member. But there are some general guidelines.

never guilt-trip me or try to, I am too smart not to notice
never put me down in order to manipulate me, once again, I would like to say that I am too smart for you get this past me
never tell me that magic don’t exist, I am not an idiot, I don’t need you to treat me like a child
never tell me to settle. that is the greatest of all flaws.
never tell me that you think that children should be physically disciplined.
never make a joke about people in depression, or suicidal. It is not funny in any way.

I don’t think these things are too much to expect from people you choose to spend time with.

Otherwise.

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So, it has been almost two years since getitng kicked out of church. I would have liked to say that the incident feels as fresh in my memory as it was back then. But that is not true. Two years since getting kicked out of that place. And my life is kind of awesome.

I don't believe in God. Not the God that I was taught to believe in, anyway. I would go on about the reasons why I don't believe in that anymore but I think that has been an argument I have made before. And people like Christopher Hitchens made a better case for that than anyone I know.

So, this post is about me and my relationship with religion.

I guess right now, at this point in life. I am more concerned about the practicalities of life and what that means is money and the people I love.

I find there to be no need for me to waste my time on weekends going to church and listening to lies. I am fine with my Christian friends doing whatever they do, because I love them and in turn respect their choices. But going to church? Nah. I draw the line at that.

Life is awesome as it is. And for romance and make believe, I don't have to give up 10 per cent of my income to have. I have Tolkien, I have Ian Fleming. I am Stephen King and Neil Gaiman to give me enough fantasy and make-believe to last me for a long time.

I live life on my own terms and not out of an ancient book.

My morality is based on my values and not because of some fear of going to hell.

And since I am here, let's just also say that I am pro-choice. Which Christianity is obviously against.

I like knowing that my life is still unknown, not recorded in some book by the big guy upstairs and predestined.

I like knowing that it is my choices that make or break me and not some whimsical deity rolling the dice.

I guess if there is one thing I believe in.

It is to be awesome. (lol)

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I am in love with love and what it represents. The romance of tortured hearts and the poetry it inpires. The tentative courage of the first kiss. The delicious shyness that comes when you draw near to the one you love. The idea that this will be it, the last one, the forever after.

I guess I can't be a cynic, not matter how much I try to be. I like fairytales. I like believing in magic.

And if it makes me sound naive, so be it, you know?

Life is too short and I am too young to be bitter.

"Someday my prince will come."

He will love reading as much as I do. He will make me mixtapes. He will bring me on adventures. He will surprise me with the little details. We will go on raids on WoW together.

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After thinking about it over and over again, and writing down numerous pros and cons lists on my yellow legal pad, I have decided against getting a Kindle. I would much rather pay more for a copy of a book that I can touch and smell and turn the pages of. I understand perfectly that the Kindle is an amazing device, and I understand why people less sentimental than I am would like it. I guess I am just wired that way.

Anyway, here is a list of books I would like to add to my bookshelves as time goes by.

• The Prince - Niccolo Machiavelli
• Beyond Good And Evil - Friedrich Nietzsche
• The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
• Fahrenheit 451 -  Ray Bradbury
• Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
• Atonement - Ian McEwan
• all the Sherlock Holmes books by Sir Arthur Conan Coyle
• all the James Bond books by Ian Fleming
• all of Neil Gaiman's books

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So, the last episode of Chuck.

I remember fondly the first time I discovered Chuck. It was the second day after I moved out. The second day of the rest of my life. I went to my landlord's Christmas party at a hall in NUS and saw his collection of DVDs. He lent me the first two seasons of Chuck and that was how I entertained myself in that small boxy room after work each day.

And now, the last episode of Chuck remains unwatched. And this post serves as nothing more than a tribute to the first moments I spent as a free woman. And I will always remember those days.

Chuck taught me that it is okay to be geeky and slight klutz. He taught me that the geek can get the girl.

Perhaps I am making too much out of this ending of a TV show, which is probably insignificant to many others. But personally, ever since I moved out, I have had many "first" moments. And Chuck is one of them.

I will always remember those days of newfound freedom and how they tasted.

And thank you, Chuck, for the countless hours of entertainment. I will miss you.

Now, off to pick up some dinner and finish the last episode.

Cheers.

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I think I need to remember that I am awesome.
I am awesome.
I am awesome.
I am awesome.
I am awesome.

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Like every other human being. I have my good days, and my bad days. Today is one of those rare good ones. And I don't want to waste it on 9gag. I just want to say that the very state of being alive is filled with hope and potential. Once you are dead everything is over. I don't belittle or look down on people who try to take their own lives. I am sure we all have moments when life throws the worst things at us and we don't feel like moving on.

I am very glad that the people I love are still around. I love them not in spite of their scars, but because of them. We come into this world clean, innocent, untouched by tragedy or pain. We come into this world believing and trusting in everything.

The world is a harsh place, that we all can agree on. What matters is not how well you sailed through it all. What matters is how you deal with the obstacles on your way to the end. What matters isn't the end, really. What matters is the journey, the adventure of life. The other people we meet who might be at different places.

When you come to think of it, life is like a MMORPG game. You start off with nothing whatsoever, no skills, no knowledge of what's happening. You get a vague sense of where you are heading. And you meet other travelers, sometimes you work together on a quest or a raid. You gain EXP together, you slay monsters together. And sometimes we part ways.

What matters is that we become stronger people.

That's enough, I guess.

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在璀璨的星光下，又何必跟自己过不去呢？
与其期盼等不到的缘分，不如好好生活，一个人快乐，好过两个人的痛苦。
人生短短几十年，最重要的是不要留下任何的遗憾。
喜欢的，想要的，就放胆去争取。
就算失败，至少知道结果。

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1. A man who reads proper books and not Archie comics
2. A sense of humour
3. Intelligence
4. Determination
5. Decisiveness
6. Responsibility
7. Loyalty
8. Rationality
9. Passion
10. Optimism

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I guess what really matters is how we deal with each day as it comes. What matters is how we make the right decisions. What matters is our conscience at the end of the day. I like to pretend that I do not have a heart but I do, unfortunately. And the same heart breaks for tragedy like anyone else's.

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