Let's face it, be it whether you are a guy or a girl, society and the media judge us on the way we look. Magazine pages with airbrushed celebrities tell us that their way is the only way. We are never thin enough, and when we finally lose weight, we have to spend countless hours toning up at the gym. To be very honest, who are they to judge how you should look like? I can go on countless pages about the role the media has in the negative body image of many young girls (and boys) but that is not what I want to talk about today.

I have been that girl. Always hiding my face being my hair because I felt that I wasn't pretty enough. My skin was pale and it made me look sickly. I didn't dare to wear swimwear for fear of my paleness blinding the people around me. I thought my glasses made me look geeky. I never had washboard abs. This continued all the way until I reached my twenties. Having a father that constantly told me that I was fat didn't help much. I was 55kg on a 1.71m frame. How fucking skinny do you expect me to be? Truth be told, parents can do a lot more harm than good to a child's self-esteem when they are constantly trying to "improve" the child. Once again, I digress.

In recent years I have realized that perfect people only exist in the perfect world. And perfect worlds do not exist except in between the glossy pages of Vogue. Unless your job requires you to become a size 0, there really isn't a point.

I have grown to accept that I will never look like Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley, or ever have the figure of Angelina Jolie. I have grown to love me and what I stand for. I have to wear glasses and contacts make my eyes tear up? So be it. I have a bit of a tummy? So be it. I like my food and I am not ashamed of it. I am tall, which I am thankful for, cos no matter how big I get I wouldn't look out of proportion.

I don't think anyone is supposed to look like anyone else. Or there is any certain definition of beauty. And if by society's definition I am fat, so be it. I would much rather enjoy my food, be happy, than to starve myself on expensive salads and look like I am going to faint.

If that boyfriend of yours tells you that you need to lose weight, ask him to fuck off seriously. Because for every guy that is superficially concerned with your weight, there is another who will love you for your curves.

I have decided not to let the fact that I am broke get me down. After all, this isn't permanent. In a week's time I will be paid my salary and life will go on as normal. But at times like this when I feel what it is like to not have any money to eat, I am reminded of how lucky I am to be where I am today. I chose this path of living on my own, so there is no reason why I should whine about anything. At least I have the luxury of having my own space. I think about people like E, who is already broke but yet continue to take care of and feed abandoned cats, and I feel stupid for feeling sorry about myself.

Life is not fair. It never was and we should never expect it to be. There are people who breeze through their lives. They grew up with everything they needed and always will. Then there are people like me, who seems to be the down and out heroine in the novels I like to read. But the thing is, the heroine would go through everything. She would be broke and sometimes have to sleep on the streets or go hungry. She might meet robbers who take away her living. But we all know that in every good novel, the heroine wins in the end. She slays the dragon and becomes the warrior. She is her own hero.

We have to be strong for ourselves. Not because it sounds inspiring or whatever, but because it is the only way that we can grow and be closer to who we really have the potential to be. We CAN make mistakes in life, we can have self-doubt sometimes. But we must always get ourselves together and much towards where we truly want to be.

Fuck I am write better sermons than some of the "leaders" I used to have.

A complicated game with rules that change everyday.

I wonder when I will ever feel like a grown-up. When I was a kid, grown-ups were like gods. They could come and go as they like, they could watch TV as much as they liked. They could drink four cans of coke and no one would nag at them.

When I was seventeen, I waited for my eighteenth birthday, I was waiting to see what would happen. I was waiting to see if there would be a lightbulb moment when I would just become an adult. Think like one and leave the things of childhood behind.
I waited but nothing changed. I was 18, but nothing changed. I was the same as I was when I was fifteen. Same hopes, same fears.

I am twenty-three now. I worry about bills, the rent and the future. I worry about retirement, and the fact that I might be alone for the rest of all conceivable eternity. I read too much. I still don't like people. I still crush on all the wrong sort. I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I might have gotten better at budgeting. And I might have learnt how to pick my friends and battles. But I am still me.
And I don't think I could ever become the cynical, world-weary grown-ups that everyone seem to have become.

Let us just take each day as it comes.

I wrote so many love letters that I never sent. I have a box of them in my room. In a biscuit tin. The names on them are different. But they all have the same message. Do you feel like I do? Will you make me happier than I am now?

All of them never did get sent. A long time ago, one was taken out of the tin and brought to a prom at a hotel ballroom. It was the last time I will see the supposed recipient of that letter. I never did have the courage to send it out.

The first letter goes:

"Dear A,

I know this is weird and everything. I know what they say. I know.
I hope you are not harassed with these supposed rumours. The end of the year is here and we are about to graduate. I just want to say that I am in love with you and if you are willing, we could go out for coffee sometime.

I'll be waiting.

Yours, D. "

I'll always remember this boy. He stood for everything I was not. Socially adjusted, well-to-do, confident. When he started ignoring me at the end of the year, I channeled all that humiliation into studying and went from F9 to C5 for my worst subject.

Last I heard he's doing well now. (okay, who am I kidding, I have him on Facebook.)

就让我消沉。
就让我一个人。
就让我把过去切底的销毁。
人性的残酷。
人面的虚伪。
人类的无情。
就快让我招架不住了。

I wonder how many people can actually tell me that they say what they mean. So much lies and deceit. Fake smiles and crocodile tears. I wonder if there is anyone real left anymore. Like what I was talking to my friend J the other day, there is only so much you can give before you are running on empty and the people around you realise that and decides that maybe you're no longer worth their time. Friends who tell me they will be there aren't there. Guys and girls alike say things they don't mean.
Stories are told about incidents that have never happened.
Promises, promises, promises.
The thing with people like us is that for the most part we are positive and driven and trusting. But sometimes things happen and we wonder what is real and what isn't. We wonder what exactly is the point.
And to quote J "Life, friends, love. They sound so wonderful, wonderfully scary."

Please don't say what you don't mean.

But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

- Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

• when I wake up in the morning and it is five minutes before the alarm rings.
• when I talk about the obscure band that I am into and someone else actually knows them.
• talking with an old friend and we quote an entire conversation from a TV show that we are both obsessed with.
• drinking fruity wine while watching an episode of Gossip Girl and day dreaming about Chuck Bass, the bad boy in the show.
• just before I fall asleep, I picture my teddy bears coming to life.
• when I kiss Mister Eeyore before I leave for work each day.
• hugs from good friends
• making jokes and people actually laughing to them. (Rare.)
• going to the movies and having an entire row to myself.
• going into a record store and hearing your favourite song playing
• noticing that the cute boy sitting across from you in the MRT is reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower
• waking up on a Saturday at 7am and realising that you are way too early and therefore goes back to sleep. :D
• finding a Tumblr blog with animated Maru gifs.