Sometimes all it takes for your perceived troubles to go away is to just take a different standpoint and view it from another person's shoes. I do that very often and sometimes I empathise far too much, so much so that it's actively hurting me. There is a very fine line in being kind and being a doormat. With the growing up I've had it isn't something that is in my nature. To be kind or to speak up. And I am finding it harder and harder to live without these two things so sometimes I swing between extremes and none of that helps anyone.
Sometimes the best weekends are the ones that just pass you by with no big event and no crazy party. Sometimes the best weekend is just going to bed early with a book and waking up at 8am on a Saturday and hanging out with the family and shooting the breeze while having an egg tart from the neighbourhood bakery with a cup of instant coffee. Doing a bit of planning for the work week ahead and taking care of that essay that is due on Monday night.
It's just one of those perfectly simple days that we take for granted.
I want to live a life with intention and not let the days just pass me by without meaning anything.
I’ve been watching this anime Psycho-Pass. It has a very interesting premise of a future world where computers can scan a person for any criminal intentions, even if they don’t commit the crime, they are labels as latent criminals and have their freedom limited and they are either thrown into isolation or used as hunting dogs by the police.
It’s one of those very disturbing animes that leave nightmares after the credits roll.
It has everything I enjoy in my entertainment. Criminal psychology, police work and fictional serial killers. I love a good mystery that always has a well-designed ending.
Sometimes I remember you and I wonder if you are as happy as you look in those heavily filtered selfies and black and white shots of places so far, far away from here. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happy in your shoes. Then I remember what someone wise told me a long time ago when I was expressing envy at his Instagram life.
He said that I shouldn't be comparing my life to someone else's highlight reel.
That stayed with me for a long time.
Whenever I see someone else's vacation photos and wonder why am I working so hard and then I remember that that person probably worked as hard when they were at work and I will always remember not to compare my life, cringe-worthy moments and all, with theirs.
My instagram is also full of the best things in my life. Sometimes amazing food, sometimes pictures of my friends and sometimes painstakingly arranged flat-lays of things that look good together.
Sometimes I catch myself making choices because they are more share-worthy than others. Be it ordering a dish at a restaurant or choosing to head out at a certain time of the day. At the moments when I am so comically self-aware I wonder what the fuck am I doing and why am I living and making choices for the faceless entity that lives in my phone?
Maybe someday I will find the answer to the question of why our generation is so addicted to sharing everything we do instead of enjoying the moment.
Such as it is.
I've had many fond memories of the days I spent in my rented room from 2010-2012. Staying afloat financially was a struggle but I don't regret it at all. In those two years I learnt what it was like to be truly alone. To be comfortable with my own company, to talk myself down from the ledge (metaphorically) when things were not looking good.
I am very happy living with my grandmother, uncle, and aunt. I do miss being by myself sometimes, though. Having no one to answer to. Just being me, in my own space, doing everything in my own time.
Someday within the next ten years I hope to move into my own apartment where I can be answerable to no one but myself again. And this time it will be a permanent space.
Someone asked the question: What makes you happy, truly?
I went through a whole list of things and I realise that all those things didn't really matter.
Having the freedom to be me, having the freedom to do what I want when I want to. Having the freedom to live the way I want to. Freedom, is my answer. The freedom to choose, and then, do.